Learning To Be Me Takes Time

You know I’ve never really thought about what it means or what it’s like to be mixed race until I got older. As a kid, I just did what other kids did, I played with my friends and I went to school. I knew I looked a little different from the people around me, I grew up in a predominantly white city. People would ask me about my hair, where I was “originally” from and would occasionally stare at me. I never really liked to wear my hair down, I still don’t, I wore headbands for years covering my hair, only in my mid-teens did I take them off. I would say it’s more convenient to wear my hair up, and it is, but I think it’s mainly because every time I wore it down, everyone made it such a big deal. I didn’t want it to be a big deal, it’s just hair to me. I guess now, I’m still not comfortable wearing it down for longer than 5 minutes. I don’t mind showing off my curls in pictures but in person, that’s a different story.

People staring became a normal part of life eventually, you just learn to ignore it. It happened more when I tanned, if it had been a really sunny summer or I had gone on holiday. Don’t get me wrong, I love tanning and I love the sun but sometimes it made it more obvious I was different. Being mixed race is a normal thing, it’s my life and I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. I think as I approached adulthood I finally began to accept that, I’m proud to be who I am, I have curly hair and brown skin and parts of me are from all over the world which is awesome.

However, I’ve not always felt that way. I wanted straight hair like my friends, when I went to the hairdressers I would ask to get it done that way. I didn’t want to wear bright colours or bold patterns, anything that would bring too much attention to me. I guess that part is just me, I don’t want to be the centre of attention for just being me. But when I meet other people who are wearing different clothes and being who they are, showing their pride through their appearance I admire them. I don’t think I got to that stage and I still don’t think I’m there just yet. I think sometimes I feel like I’m not white enough or I’m not black enough to fit in. It’s hard to explain, maybe people reading this might feel the same way, maybe it’s just me.

People asking me where I’m from has always been a weird thing, of course it’s a normal question when you meet someone new. “Where’d you grow up? Where’s your family from?” Etc: But when someone goes, “Where you from?” And you reply “The UK.” Then they say, “No, where are you originally from?” I know they’re just being curious, starting a conversation but why can’t my first answer be where I’m from? Even writing this now, I feel like should I be saying this?

But then I realise that this is okay, I am gaining the confidence to talk about my feelings and my mental health and I encourage others to come forward. I have a right to feel the way I feel and the way I’ve felt most of my life. Everyone has a right to feel the way they feel, no one should be judged for speaking out.

I didn’t feel like I fitted into society or what society deemed “normal” even now as an adult I feel odd using certain phrases like “people of colour” or “black and minority ethnicities” because I don’t feel like I’m a part of them. It’s silly, it sounds silly but when you don’t feel a part of something, it can make you feel down. It can take a toll on your mental health which is why there needs to be more support for everyone struggling with their mental health, everyone who needs help. Reaching out so that no one feels alone.

I’m so lucky to have my loved ones around me who have supported me through everything. Listening and understanding each other will help so many to feel like they are heard and understood.

This is just one story, there are so many stories out there. I’m writing this to encourage others to step forward with their stories so that we can raise awareness.

- Maiya